How-To: Get Your Waifu

“Thank you, Nendoroid Cuties’ Lily!”

 

Ah, love. So many things can be said about it. With today’s technology, it’s easier than ever to connect to those who are interested in the same things as us. Some people prefer those who are like them and others, well, not so much. And those things are perfectly fine! Everyone is different and have different wants and needs.

But sometimes, we need advice from others on how to get our desired waifu, especially since Valentine’s Day is near. And, of course, that’s perfectly fine as well! It never hurts to ask for advice from family, friends, bloggers, and dating simulations. Hopefully, this post can help you find entrance your preferred waifu! Don’t take my word for it! Just read these testimonials:

“My waifu and I just came back on our honeymoon! Don’t believe me? Well, it’s not like you have to use these tips or anything, you baka!” — John Steward

“I just published my whirlwind romance about my waifu and I. I believe that Oprah’s going to present it at her book club next!” — Gail Smith

“Do we have any more pizza rolls available?” — Rebecca Garcia

These tried & true advice has been passed down from different generations and continents and how I’m going to expose them to you!

Remember that this advice is going to be divided up into about 10 parts (one for each type of waifu) – I’m going to describe the type and then put down the advice that’s created especially for them! If I miss any, my apologies! There’s only so much advice I can give you!

10. The ‘Sibling’ Waifu

“Big Brother!”

Usually younger in age or in school, the sibling type admires you and adores you! You’re either their “big brother” or “big sister” and they know your terrible habits. Sometimes, they’ll make you something to eat, or they help you study. They admire you and look up to you – you’re their role model, after all! They go to you for advice, often, in hopes that you could guide them in this big scary world. In better situations, they get a little jealous if you pay attention to someone else instead of them but once you’re alone in the room with them, they’ll let you know – no one will ever take their place!

"Big sister...."

“Big sister….”

And yet, they still do things for you and even say really mean things from time to time. In the end, you’re still in a type of a familial relationship. And you want them to notice you instead.

Here’s what you do: turn the tables on them. Once you’re alone with your brother or sister type waifu, and confess to them – you tell them that there’s no one to take your place! While they might admire you, admiration is totally and completely different than love!

Be the older sibling that dwells within you and let your waifu know that the closest and best relationship is with your sibling!

09. The ‘Yandere’ Waifu

"But... I love you..."

“But… I love you…”

The ‘yandere’ waifu type is something that usually scares the pants off of normal people, or “normies” as we blogger folk call them. And why should they? They are the lovers that you’d want the most – loyal, would gladly put themselves in harms way if they need to be! They also make sure that anyone who tries to get near you are would know right away who you belong to.

Granted, the drama they bring along with them can be a little tiring. After a while, it’s hard to take their threats seriously, especially if they threaten it over and over. And then sometimes the police comes up and asks you if you’ve seen a certain missing person after hanging out with them alone one night… But they just love you so. much!!!

"I love you.... but..."

“I love you…. but…”

The best way to catch a yandere: don’t tell them you know they’re a yandere! They know who they are – they know when to let those emotions loose, in an effort to keep you with them. However, you must approach them as you would any potential waifu and court them. You must remember that any little insignificant thing you do for them will be imprinted and let that obsession of theirs grow and wait for them to approach you.

This one, you have to invest time in because if you start confessing right away, you might scare them off. They might think it’s a trick to uncover their true personality. So many times this has gone wrong… Just be sure to accept any gifts they give you and give them nothing but praise! The more praise, the more intense the relationship will be!

In the process of getting a yandere waifu, though, you have to start cutting ties with other people, especially those they might consider their enemies. It’s not even for their safety – it’s to help make sure that your yandere waifu knows how serious you are with your future relationship: no one else but them.

08. The ‘Kuudere’ Waifu

"That rendition of 'Moonlight Sonata'...!!!"

“That rendition of ‘Moonlight Sonata’…!!!”

This ‘kuudere’ waifu are usually those of high class. They often quiet and confident but not always. They exude a cool air to almost frozen temperatures. They always seem to hang out with a certain crowd – or not. Their education is always top notch and may have to take extra lessons beyond cram school. They are also quite cultured, well-mannered, and just way too cool! Even in the most stressful, dire, or just pressured situations, they always keep their cool and confidence…!! Wow!

"... Play 'Greensleeves' again."

“… Play ‘Greensleeves’ again.”

This is a tough one to get to. Usually, these types have a certain crowd that hang around them. They tell them of how cool they are or how high class or educated, beautiful, or other compliments showered upon them! Sometimes, they don’t see you but that’s not their fault. They’re often times much too busy with their own life.

To catch these types of waifus, you must be willing to learn some etiquette, take some extra classes, or stand out to them in a way that garners their attention. Does everyone just stand around and state how great they are? Say how much they actually suck compared to you! Does everyone say how good looking they are? Tell them that ‘beauty is in the eye of the beholder’ – they prefer someone with a wider build than that of a cool athletic body!

Whatever compliment people say about your kuudere waifu, say the opposite! Say it as loud and as obnoxious as you can! Sometimes, the kuudere will see it as a challenge – they couldn’t please you? Well, let’s see about that! Soon enough, they’ll completely focus on you and what you think of them.

And that’s when you finally tell them, “I never wanted you to do all that… I just wanted you to be yourself.” And then, they will be yours.

07. The ‘Genius’ Waifu

"Let me save this 10,000 word essay on why nendoroids are awesome!"

“Let me save this 10,000 word essay on why nendoroids are awesome first then I’ll build your computer!”

These waifus might come with another type but their defining trait, that makes them stand out, is their continuous need to study. Usually in harder subjects like math and science, these waifus are intelligent as hell! They have studied so hard that they could easily spout out a formula in bed that’s not only sexy as hell but also completely accurate! These waifus love learning, especially sitting down and reading a good book on top of that. They are sometimes annoying with how they’re right about everything but pay attention to them!

The downside is that sometimes these waifus don’t take good care of themselves. Sometimes, they get so involved in their studies that they might forget to eat! They also forget about other things – such as the importance of human interaction and the hilarity of a good fart joke.

“The history of figurines is so interesting! Care to join me?”

Again, you need time to court the genius waifu. While they’re intelligent in books and the history of the binary, they don’t really understand how emotions work. You have to take care of them as well, since they’re always studying or looking up something new.

Museums, libraries, and book stores would be ideal dates but your genius waifu probably explored them already! What you need to do is find out about some secret laboratory, or government facility and go exploring on your own. Find out what secrets they have and then ask your genius waifu to figure it out all by themselves. They’ll appreciate a good challenge!  Even though exercise might not be there forte, this will give them a chance to help them catch up, especially when goons are chasing you guys!

06. The ‘Dandere’ Waifu

"... Hello."

“… Hello.”

The ‘dandere’ waifu is shy and quiet type. They’re usually kept to themselves and go out of their way to avoid troubling people. They tend to have an inferiority complex and it’s extremely easy to tease them! They are really honest with their feelings, however, and they tend to be called the ‘moe blobs’.

Sometimes they’re a combination of the other types as well but this waifu’s main feature are the fact that they’re just extremely shy, introverted, and just doesn’t talk. Other times, they make comments that’s taken out of context and people tease them about it but mostly, they stay quiet and follows the leaders of their group of friends.

"...Bye."

“Bye…”

To get these waifus, again, takes some time but not that much time – depending if they have competition or not! Be sure to always tease them but not enough to frighten them away! You’ll often get the response of, “You’re so mean…” That usually means you’re doing a good job!

Often talk to them in front of a group, as that’ll help their confidence to people that’s not their friends and point out their flaws! They’re always working hard to improve themselves, usually in secret and in plain sight, but wait around long enough – and you’ll get to be their teacher! After all, no one else knows their own flaws better than you – especially since you had to point them out all the time!

Though, their best friends will come up to you and tell you to quit but they know you really won’t. It’s just a declaration of war – after all, the best friend could be seen as their sibling! They might be trying to get your dandere waifu! Gotta make sure you’re always on your waifu’s mind, no matter what the cost is!

05. The ‘Sexy’ Waifu

"Another day, another notch on my ...where's my belt?"

“Another day, another notch on my …where’s my belt?”

For the more adult you, these types are always down for the dirty! They’re sometimes confused with the ‘kuudere’ types, especially with that sexy confidence they exude but they are in fact completely different. Prone to have multiple exes, these types are always good-looking, and proud of their bodies. They show if off as often as they could and would rather have people look at them than be ashamed of their bodies! How powerful!

Of course, you would want them! They are quite sexy…

“I don’t have a black book. I have a black encyclopedia.”

These waifus will have their own fan clubs so keep an eye out for them. What you should do is to infiltrate the fan club to get as much dirt as you can. You will find some angry and bitter people in there who are trying to take down your waifu’s status as a sex symbol.

Don’t mind them, though. They’re just jealous. They can’t even begin to understand the adoration you have for your sexy waifu! What you do, though, you copy that attitude and act cold to their charms. Similarly to the kuudere waifu, you tell them it’s not good enough and it’s disgusting that they’re always going from one person in bed to the next!

“Have you no shame?!” should always be the words spoken anytime you see them with another person on their arms! Even when it’s revealed you’re secretly in the fan club, explain that you’re there to watch over someone – make sure that your waifu isn’t hurting them! Convince them that something in their past must have forced them to become how they are! After they come to you, completely changed and new persona, again, utter the words, “I only ever wanted was for you to be yourself…” And then take them to bed.

04. The ‘Oblivious’ Waifu

"Did you need me for something?"

“Did you need me for something?”

The oblivious waifu is probably the most frustrating one of them all, next to tsundere. They’re nice to everyone and everyone’s nice to them. They can’t really tell if someone’s flirting or not (although it’s up for debate if they even know what flirting is) and if they’re not interested in someone, they’re just not going to get it unless you tell them.

Some of the more extreme examples can lead them to become a ‘genius’ type (although rare), the ‘genkei’ type (most are these types as well), and more often than not, the ‘dandere’ type – but these types are usually pretty normal. Average grades, average abilities, nothing really stands out from the ordinary. And this is one of the biggest challenges to face.

"Why does that person up front talk about me like they like me or something?"

“Why does that person up front talk about me like they like me or something?”

Because they’re so ordinary, other people might find that attractive. The innocence of a ‘dandere’…the energy of the ‘genkei’…and the confidence of the ‘kuudere’. It’s hard to shake that. So what you should do in case of the ‘oblivious’ type is to put yourself in front of them: make them know you exist!

Become their friends if you have to! This is where you need to constantly grind and fight for their attention! Do everything you can! Tease them! Make fun of them! Give them opposite comments! Fight them! Just stand out! They don’t know what they want and it’s up to you to let them know!

What you need to do is tell everyone that you like them – everyone but them. They are oblivious so they won’t realize it even if you do tell them. Tell people what you guys would do together and make it clear that they are your number one goal! But if that fails you – jealousy always works!

Date someone else and parade them in front of them. Make sure they know what they had lost by losing you! Granted, the other person may be begging for you to stop whenever your waifu comes around but you need to show them how much better that person is with you than you are with them. Don’t worry – they will eventually realize it!

03. The ‘Servant’ Waifu

"Welcome back!"

“Welcome back!”

“Maids” and “butlers” are these always these types of ‘servant’ waifus who will do anything for you. You’re their boss and you can tell them to do anything they want, especially if they’re furniture. They’ll bow down to your every whim  without question and fully dedicated and committed to making you happy. A smile on their faces as they continue to serve you and your family, as their ancestors did for many generations.

So why don’t they just give up their hearts already?

"As you wish."

“As you wish.”

Even though you are their boss, abuse it 100% and more. Tell them to kiss you on the job, where everyone can see. Tell them to undress themselves and give them a “proper” bath. Oh, they’ll be hesitant at first but if you promise it’d be okay, they’ll warm up to the idea. They’ll more than likely do everything you’d like them to do you or otherwise without complaint.

“As you wish,” they’ll say over and over as you tell them exactly what kind of love you desire from them. However, again, this type can go one and one with another type. Depending on the co-existing type, you’ll have to accommodate. The best advice, though, is to make them work harder and single them out among the other servants. Make sure they know you know what sort of relationship you have with them and you’ll make them work that much harder for their keep.

With an ordered smile on their face, they’ll have no choice but fall in love with you even when you make your confession to them. They may hate your family but you’re clearly different. They know that one day, as you’ve promised, to run away from your horrid family and arranged marriage to live a penniless life with them.

At least, that’s what you’ve said.

02. The ‘Genkei’ Waifu

“Let’s go party! At the soccer field!”

 

Athletic, wastefully energetic, this type of waifu is not for the faint of heart! They’re always involved in some sort of physical program or always moving around in some way. They always have a comment and they’re extremely outgoing. Sometimes, they’re tied with the ‘oblivious’ type because they’re usually so focused on whatever it is that they’re doing.

As for physical appearances, they take massive pride (even though they usually claim they don’t) in it and often tries to show off their talents and body as much as they could. And they look good, though, they might have a best friend type that could be just a little bit inferior than them but they took pity upon them and hung out with them anyway!

"No skinny people allowed!"

“No skinny people allowed!”

There is a difference between skinny and built, remember that. Because as these types of waifus take great pride in their looks, they need someone by their side making them junk food! Cakes, sweets, nachos, chili dogs, everything that you can imagine, stuff it in their diets!

As for yourself, well, you can let yourself go! Your energetic waifu can do all the athletic work for you! They can tell you all they want about the health benefits of becoming fit but, think of it this way: you’re making them burn extra energy by letting them talk and nag about your fitness! You’re fine, you’re going to tell them, don’t worry about it! And, eventually, they will listen to you right after their cake in the oven is finished!

01. The ‘Tsundere’ Waifu

"Well-well, it's not like..."

“Well-well, it’s not like…”

The infamous ‘tsundere’. Often times, this particular waifu is both hot and cold. They don’t want to admit they did anything for you, you baka, but damn, this particular waifu is one of the most popular types out there! These types are usually quick to point out everyone else’s flaws but their own. They get really flustered easily when they show a sign of “weakness” and yet whenever they do show their ‘dere’ side, they always say something to the effect of: “It’s not like I made it especially for you, you baka!”

So, it’s not like you have to read this list or anything! This just a guide on how to get your ideal waifu!

"...I like you or anything! Baka!"

“…I like you or anything! Baka!”

One piece of advice is to be a stone wall. Don’t react to any of their jabs – that’s how they get you! Be cool as school, and you’re golden! The tsundere would be confused and would try to tease you further to garner a reaction because that’s all they want – a reaction. They’ll do anything for a reaction, a chance to reaffirm that you gave them your goat. Refuse to give it to them!

However, on the off chance you do give them your goat, the next route is to clearly point out how horrible of a person they are! They’re always teasing you and pointing every flaw about you! What, do they like you or something? Is that why they make you lunch? Is that why they always choose you as a study partner? Is it your brains they want? Or is it money? Make up your minds! Do they like you or not?!

And that’s when they’ll finally confess all their feelings and you’ll be dating your waifu in no time!

“I lead a waifu-free lifestyle!”

If none of these tips work, well, you tried your best and it just wasn’t good enough. Just continue to lead the waifu-free lifestyle by blogging about it on Twitter, Tumblr, or any other of these other blogging sites. Be sure to tell your other waifu-less friends (if you have any) about this post for they may have better luck than you!

This blog post is a parody, if it wasn’t obvious enough. Please don’t actually do these things…Want to see more posts like these? Subscribe to my Patreon!

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5 comments

  1. So I just read this article on this website, it’s the first one. And I must say I was pleasantly pleased (huh?) with the writing. It’s top-notch and even though this is a parody, it really is some good ideas on how to be a decent person and tackle obstacles (kind of similar real-life obstacles? THERE IS A CONNECTION).

    ANYWAYS…

    This is funny, and I enjoyed it.

  2. So, which one would be best for a kid who likes doing stupid stuff, gets into fights, anger issues? Lol

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