During the course of the year, I had been extremely depressed – more so than usual. I had been taking a lot of emotional beatings from my job, my friends, and especially myself. My computer finally crashed after two years of constant use. And because of my carelessness, I still haven’t been able to get my old data back. It’s just been a rough year for me.
That includes the pictures for Magical Girl Snow Miku and the Sailor Moon figure Chu got me. It was hard. However, I managed to get a new computer. While I was waiting for it come up, Chu and I watched “Log Horizon”. This was when I had Crunchy Roll Premium (before I canceled it due to financial issues) so I was able to watch it on the big screen. And it made me miss something that I haven’t done in years.
Well, dressing up and, more importantly, MMO RPGs. Before I deleted my main Twitter, I had seen people talk about the usual: World of Warcraft, League of Legends, and one that ultimately caught my eye: TERA Online. I was at my lowest point. Not only escaping to a MMO world sound ideal, Chu and I watching “Log Horizon” started to put thoughts into my head: What if I get stuck in this world? What would I be? Would I cower or will I stand up and take on an important role?
Then, I recalled Shiro how he always felt inadequate in the real world and how he felt that he could never be anyone else but a loser. He felt that no one could understand him and, as much as he tried to open up to others, he really couldn’t. However, when he started to play the game, he felt better about himself and his abilities. He was able to open up and even helped people. Because of his kind nature, people were naturally drawn to him.
He got more and more involved and even mastered his class. Though, in the end, people still suspected him. Oh, sure they respected him – but they suspected him a whole lot more. While I may not really be a true authority or anything, Shiro seems to be to same way. He doesn’t really think he’s a master – as he has plenty of things to learn and even though it is hurtful that people suspect him, hey, it gets the job done.
I have a similar problem, so to speak. People seem to think I’m always conspiring something devious or horrible when I’m not. I may be extremely harsh on people but I really do want what’s best. I really want people to become the best. At first, it bothered me that people would think such things about me. I don’t do anything. I talk about things and I have my (strong) opinions on them but I’m always willing to talk. I’m always willing to discuss – I really don’t mind! I love a good healthy debate!
Over time, though, I’m starting to accept my position always as suspect number one, even if I’m not involved. And true, I do have grander plans for the future. I’m like Shiro in the sense that I’m always trying to find things to do, to improve, to make something even better.
My problem is that I don’t come off as sincere and I’m really crappy with how I show affection. Playing TERA Online, though, helped me – bit by bit – to regain my feelings of confidence and independence back. Mostly because, I like to solo. I don’t mind making friends or playing in a guild; but I always play solo because I don’t want to rely on anyone else but myself.
And, sure, like Shiro, I joined a guild and there was a lot of fun to be had. However, Shiro is still very much a loner and honestly, so am I. It’s a long process to realize that: I have friends. They care about me. I care about them. I have Chu and he cares about me as I care about him. I may not have a fantastic duty to keep everyone in line like Shiro does but I do have a duty to make sure that things go as planned or my backup plans can work.
I haven’t played TERA Online in a while but I know I’ll pick it up again soon. It’s fun and I really enjoy being a cute little Elin!